So, the Nike curse is complete. Not even the Netherlands could escape the kiss of death that was a slot in the sporting goods giant's Write The Future ad.
Nike's commercial — shot in England, Spain, Africa and the USA, and directed by Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu of Babel fame — is a thing of beauty, and it's been watched by more than 19 million people on YouTube. But not one of the players with a starring role in the three-minute spot got to choose the ending they'd have liked.
The ad opens with Didier Drogba of the Ivory Coast (Won 1-Drew 1-Lost 1; out at the group stage), rounding several players before chipping the goalkeeper. The ball looks to be goalbound until defender Fabio Cannavaro of Italy (Won 0-Drew 1-Lost 2; out at the group stage) clears it off the line. While a nightclub singer toasts the fabulous Fab, the ball makes its way to Wayne Rooney, of England (Won 1-Drew 2-Lost 1; out in the second stage after a 4-1 pasting at the hands of Germany and the match officials), who controls it on his chest and, with less than a minute on the clock, plays what looks like a killer pass to Theo Walcott (who did not make England's final 23). Which is intercepted by Franck Ribery of France (Won 0-Drew 1-Lost 2; out at the group stage).
With Rooney's future flashing before his eyes (groundsman at a lower-division club, living in a caravan on his lonesome), he rushes back and tackles Ribery who, of course, has opted not to pass to his teammates, possibly because they were all on strike or busy telling their manager to go get intimate with himself. As Rooney basks in his alternative future — knighted at Buck Palace, trouncing Roger Federer at table tennis — three Spaniards — Andres Iniesta, Cesc Fabregas, Gerard Pique — throw their copies of tabloid paper The Rippler away in disgust.
Back to the match action, and we're watching South Korea (Won 1-Drew 1-Lost 2; beaten in the second stage by Uruguay) versus Brazil (Won 3-Drew 1-Lost 1; out in the quarter-finals to the Netherlands). The star here is Ronaldinho, who not only didn't play in the tournament, he didn't even make the squad.
Never mind, he sells truckloads of videos after a bit of fancy footwork before crossing the ball to ... Cristiano Ronaldo, that guy with the speech impediment from the Castrol ads. Apparently he also plays for Portugal (Won 1-Drew 2-Lost 1, out in the second stage to Spain, 1-0), a team that managed to score in only one of its four matches. But fair play — they did score seven against the hapless North Korea (Lost 3-Goals for 1-Goals against 12; out at the group stage), and in a hurricane at that.
In between nutmegging Homer Simpson and becoming the subject of a biopic starring Gael Garcia Bernal (who is about half his size), Ronaldo runs rings around the entire Dutch team until he's finally dragged to the ground by some orange-shirted assassin. Well, that bit at least they got right.
Ronaldo steps up to take the free kick and ... well, the future is in the hands of ... Well, who?
Certainly not the scripters of this magnificent piece of black magic. Rooney, Ronaldo, Ronaldinho ... none of them will be sitting their kids — surrogate or otherwise — on their knees to regale them with tales of South Africa 2010. More like, ''Er, no, love. Didn't play that one. Dodgy ankle.''
We shouldn't be too hard on Nike, though. If any one of us had been asked to come up with a dream scenario before the tournament, most of these players would have featured, plus a few others besides. Lionel Messi of Argentina (team sponsor: Adidas) would surely have been a contender (so THAT'S why he had such a poor World Cup), though few would have sprung for Diego Forlan (team sponsor: Puma) as the man most likely to be named player of the tournament.
Nike's choices, of course, were determined by the teams it sponsors. There were nine in South Africa: Brazil, Holland, Portugal, USA, South Korea, Australia, New Zealand, Serbia and Slovenia. England wears Umbro, which is owned by Nike.
Nike also has sponsorship deals with individual players including Ronaldo, Drogba, Rooney, Cannavaro, Ribery, Walcott, Ronaldinho, Iniesta, Fabregas, Pique (that's why those three are in the ad, even though Spain is sponsored by Adidas). Oh, and Roger Federer too (remind me again: how was his Wimbledon?)
And yet, almost in spite of itself, the ad did in fact feature the finalists: the three wise monkeys of Spain and the hacking Dutchies have what might charitably be called bit roles in it.
So maybe it was more mixed blessing than curse in the end. The lucky ones did get to write the future after all, but only from the margins.
Karl Quinn is the entertainment editor at The Age
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